A hard week

It's been a hard week to say the least- and a bottle of wine and a good mixed cd deep, I am finally able to scrape the surface of what I'm feeling and so desperately need to get out.  I am unhappy, harnessed by these thoughts and feelings racing and eating away inside of me.

On Sunday, a beautiful baby-blue day, after laying in the sun for hours, I decided to drive to Sacramento and wander.  I had a day reminiscent of my days in Europe- aimlessly questing, following the crowd and the noise.  I made new friends.  I tried new things.  Journaled in a coffeeshop.  Had a speed-card-off with some strangers.  Played frisbee in an abandoned lot with a whole bar of people.  Then, I got a DUI.  I'm sure I'll go into the details of my DUI in a later blog, which I hope to attack with a level of lightness and a comical quality that I haven't reached yet.

It just amazes me, how much you can be having a perfect, euphoric moment, and have everything change in a moment.  This is bigger than my misfortune.  I'm thinking about the things that curdle milk and corrupt good love and hurt good people.  I'm thinking about how things change so quickly.  How the things you know, you only know for a moment, unless you learn to know them again.  I'm thinking about surprise and I'm thinking about the unfairness of life.  I'm thinking about the people you know like the freckles on your face or your favorite ice cream flavor.  And how you can lose them.  And how, sometimes, the people you think you know one way, become something entirely new in a moment.  If you open your mind.  And your heart.

I was in jail for 12 hours.  I met the people you don't see in Folsom.  The kind of people living for nothing.  The kind of people with passion for nothing.  I spooned drug dealers, arsonists and murderers.  I ranted into the hollow abyss of a prison cell, coated with feces and inmates discarded cloathing.  I watched people break, slowly, and heard the rip of chains, and smelled vomit and dying hope.  I've never been so heavy in my whole life.  I went mad.  Absolutely mad.

I'd spent the whole day journaling about how I felt burdened by the many options and opportunities I faced in being a free soul, feeling untied and unbridled.  My heart was confused and torn.  I was afraid.  I was hesitant.  And then, I felt real sorrow.  I felt real dispair.  I felt, in a moment, like whatever it was that I had ever worried about meant nothing, because I knew a deeper pain.  It was humbling, to feel like what you exist for is silly in the great big world of life.  To feel like an animal in a cage.  To feel inhuman and unvalued.

It was the most eye-opening moment in a life time to feel what I felt that night.  I hurt now.  I carry with me this deep sense of disappointment and worthlessness.  I feel like I am not good enough for good love.  I feel sad.  And lost.  And unable to touch my dreams I've worked so hard for.  I never thought it would be me here.

And all I wanted was to curl into the one person I couldn't have.  True tragedy is really revealing.