From my journal on a cloudless day in May,

I feel like I'm starting to see things more clearly, like my life is a giant Magic Eye poster and I finally unfocused on all the clutter and confusing patterns and am seeing the truer image.  I feel a sense of lonely that is important for me to embrace because when I felt this space before, I just filled it with anything I could get my heart around.  It gave me that temporary satisfaction- a bloat of sugar and preservatives, but nothing that stuck in my ribs and gave me energy to do what I burned to do.  And all the good things that filled that space, too, became diluted- a drop of truetrueblue that drowned itself in a tub of colourless fluid that wasn't so fluid at all.

I'm longing already for a few... Torre.  And Erica.  My true soulmates.  Trevor, at times, a healthier part of my past.  Carly, in ways I've yet to know, but I know are coming.  I miss these people, in the way I breathe, knowing I must keep them close to my heart and if I cannot, I must revive their impact on me and become a mirror of that in my life.

I'm excited for summer, though at times, it feels colourless too.  I think I need to set markers ahead of myself- healthy and full- so I can become what I desire.  I'm realizing truths about Allison and myself in this relationship that are scary, but revealing... they teach me what I deserve, and what I must become to not be in this place again.

This two week span of my life is the most intensive time period I've experienced since that upon my return from Europe- with my roadtrip, coming home, breaking up with Trevor, Trev and Katie moving.  Now, having Tor and Carly leave, dealing with my DUI stuff and this break up with Allison, on top of being a workaholic and losing a great deal of freedom, I'm feeling a lot.

But there was a high point on Wednesday- a day of a lot of confrontation- when my Aussie friends came to visit me.  It was amazing and unjustifiable by words to have them in my town, in my room, sharing my life with me.  Being in their energy reminded me of who I am in my travels, in my element, the dreams I have on my horizons, the kind of people I want on those horizons with me, and what it's like to be in the company of those that share that fire.  I keep thinking that I've lost mine, but really, it's just not mirrored in most of the people that fill my life.  Most people can't even relate to a fragment of that experience that dominates my living.  So much gets lost in translation, but those memories are not lost.

I feel solitude creeping in, but it's a kind of me-ness I'm welcoming.  I'm astounded by how much I'm feeling.  How in touch with my truths I'm feeling.  How much my longing is bringing to surface feelings I've hidden from.  How much I didn't see that was in front of me all along.  It's coming in, like I knew it would, but I know this, I know this is good.

Wanderers this morning came by
Where did they go
Graceful in the morning light
To banner fair
To follow you softly
In the cold mountain air
Through the forest
Down to your grave
Where the birds wait
And the tall grasses wave
They do not
know you anymore
Dear shadow alive and well
How can the body die
You tell me everything
Anything true 
-Fleet Foxes