Good love

I am tre scatterbrained and tre inspired, drinking my cinnamon-y cappuccino with two hands and watching the sun sink beyond the hills, looking a lot like this terrible three-part sunset photo set my parents had over our couch in the 80's- flamingo pink, sea foam green and baby blue.  It's beautiful out though, in that summery-evening way where the air hangs lightly beneath the clouds and almost-moon, wisping over your face, and warming you.  

I watched this couple cross the street holding hands.  You could tell they'd been together for a long time, even though they looked about 20 years old a peice, with a baby strapped to their front and two dogs pulling ahead.  I liked that they were holding hands- they they, subconsciously found the comfortable familiarity of the other's hands with all the weight of a day on their shoulders, that it was effortless and natural.  I didn't even know them and I found myself feeling connected to the simplity of their love.  I think about holding my hand up, and watching your hand press the window glass as we parted ways, in a way that said so much without saying a thing.  

I spent all night on the phone, talking with Erica about love that beats.  Love that comes on silently and strongly, in a most undeniable way.  A love that breaks down the moments and freeze-frames you in your own life.  That makes you conscious of every breath you take.  The kind of love that wakes you up.  And the way it feels to be so into someone that you can't help but hang on their every word, remember their little nuances, imbibing each detail, never taking for granted the beauty of that moment in a life that you share.  It's good love, that way. 

It wasn't that we talked about anything I wasn't aware of, but the way the words came out over that phone line reminded me of how the great things really are that simple.  They just become a part of us.  And we are changed in their light, for the better.  And there's no thought about who we want to be for them; we are just... everything for that love.  It's not complicated, or over-thought.  It's just good.  And you feel healthier than you've ever felt.  And you feel closer to the things you believe in and the kind of person you are in your core.  And your dreams, more attainable.

The pockets in my soy foam look molten.  I'm awake, today.  Exploding.  Wanting to ride.  Wanting to sing.  Wanting to do everything in between.  I have energy to do those things I have neglected to do.

Sometimes, I wonder how things get so fucked up.  I feel like we can get into these places in our lives, where Now is excusable because of Then (whether that's the way we've carried ourselves in the past, or the kind of person we will be in the future).  We give ourselves personal get-out-of-jail-free cards and write offs, and then we wake up- for me, 8 months later, and think, "Shit, this IS my life.  This isn't a retaliation from my former, and this isn't a build up to my future- this is my present and this is what I'm owning, this is the life I'm signing my name beneath."  And I have to ask myself- are you proud?  

In my DUI class (which is not so horrible, by the way), we talked about a couple things that have stuck with me throughout the week: 
1) Life as a series of destinations- how we excuse now over and over again, because of what comes next, and then, at the end, we look back and realize we weren't ever really happy, because we were always living for the thing we didn't have.  And none of it was ever ours, and none of it ever really set us on fire.  
2) The moment of epiphany- we decide we want to change our lives in a dynamic way when it becomes more uncomfortable for things to stay exactly as they are, than it would be to change everything. 

They've both resonated.  Just like Torre's true-blue that pierced through my mind for weeks and all twelve hours I paced my cell.  I've become aware that any leap from now would've been running away, and for that reason, I'm glad that I'll be here this summer.  I need to be a better person for myself, because that love I described above is what I aspire to.  And I don't want to be living for the next destination.  And I don't want to need to change everything to be happy.  I want that happiness to be rooted within and for it to explode from me, so when I am out there, achieving those dreams, I will get everything I can out of it.  And I can be everything I am for it.  

I know what I need to do now.  It's spelling itself out one letter at a time, but I can fill in the blanks.  There's not a sense of urgency here, because I have a great deal of faith in the relationships I've built that hold me to a truer blue.  And I have belief in the power of my solitude.  And these words.  And this sunshine.  And this chance that I'm giving to myself.