I'm thinking of goodbye songs and it's sinking in, slowly, like a puddle to cloth, the spill is gone and the stain remains woven in small parts. You will be leaving here. And no matter how long I keep you on the phone, the time is still passing. And no matter how many songs I play to keep you on my mind, you will be leaving my life, for some while. And no matter how much I plan tomorrow and that distant day when we'll take on the world together, there's a big ol' inbetween without youandme.
My first breakdown was over Mexican, which is never a time to cry, but tears don't know any better- they just want to fall. Splash on table tops dusted with salt and strays. I looked at Carly and I knew this would be our last now. And isn't it always our last now? But we don't think about that, do we? Until we know it's dwindling down in numbers and we're more conscious of the time passing and the moments lasting. Why does it become so much more when it's near the end?
I was thinking for thirtysixhours now about lasttimes and firsttimes. Elizabethtown's scene rolls through my mind- last looks, a sihlouette fading into a crowd, a sly smile, the mystery, the infamy, the finality. I think about lasttimes, but not as much as I could, because I want to stay present, and not as much as I should, because I misplace the moment's weight, sometimes.
The truth is, you never know when it's the last time you'll make love with someone you care for. Because people can be taken from us and people can change. People can wake up and feel more or less. People can fight and people can leave. And that time becomes the last time. I think I remember our last time, but I'm not so sure my memory is coloring it in correctly, and that's the saddest part.
I don't know if this is our last time we'll look at each other this way. Or if this is the last time we'll cry over a bad movie. Or hysterically laugh and cheers to some epic drunk discovery. Or if this is the last song we'll sing together. Or the last drive we'll take that lasts longer than that perfect cd. How can we ever know what tomorrow holds? And if this change will be bigger than you and me?
All I know is I'm going to miss you. And I don't want us to get lost in the lasts. Let's be eternal.
Carly: You have been unfailing in your friendship to me. I've never felt more taken care of by a friend. More supported. Been offered more shoulders (or boobs, in your case) to cry on. Wisdom in the dull moments. A song in the exciting ones. I never knew what our friendship could be, until you followed through for me, and taught me and showed me how amazing we could be together. That roadtrip was a beautiful beginning- and I will never forget and I will never be ungrateful for the moments we've shared. I will miss you in ways I don't yet know- because they are silent and everpresent- like a lightbulb in my room, and I won't know it's brightness and the way I saw the world, until it clicks into dark- and I'll see it all. I love you all the way.
Torre: My best. You are my heart song. You are in the sky and in the rain. You are in a breath I take. And give back. You make me feel. You know everything I am and everything I feel already, but I want to say that I truly appreciate you and I will miss you with my whole heart til it bends. I hope we both grow and are renewed in finding ourselves in summer skin- and I hope that our selves come together come August and are better in that light- aglow. Every Peets cup, every wine mug, every-tall-grass-day, every rainy night... will be a little less full without you. I love you.
And goodbye to me too.
Because I change starting tomorrow. I change in the absense of the people whom I care deeply for and depend on. I change in the loss of my freedom in June. I change in the start of a season. I change in the end of another. I change because I will myself to do so, and to become better. Because I want and need to get back to myself. Because this whole ugly mess is a giant push for me to become the kind of person I've needed to be for longer than I want to admit. This is my full circle- this is me passing Go. My opportunity to implement everything I've forgotten this year. To take my first step into a healthier me. To embrace my faults and flaws and choose to embrace and move beyond them- so when I fly, I am home, no matter where I land. I believe in myself. And I believe in this.
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