The summer I wanted

is a lot less like the one I will have than I can swallow, but I have faith that I'm going to be okay.  There's no burst of optimism and there's no silver lining here- just reality- and the reality is that life is what you make out of it.

I wanted to disappear into flower stalls and tables, off kiltered and covered in wine drenched fruit, somewhere down Las Ramblas, in Barcelona, where the Meditterranean rises high and the nights never end early.  I wanted to be a part of a city that pulsed with diversity and inspiration.  I wanted to become an artist in that city- riding a vespa over cobblestone and mosaics, wine bottle in my satchel, journal and camera to my chest.  I wanted to grow.

And that didn't work out.

So, I wanted to chase a dream, the tail of a kite to windy plains.  I wanted to run through open cornfeilds and see the brightest stars.  I wanted my pillows to smell of woodsmoke and bike grease to always coat the inside of my calves.  I wanted nights of cheap beer and porch swings and the kind of conversation that is native to the midwest, in the best kind of way.  I wanted to be in the center of a new world- of motorcycle rallies, and mountain ranges, fresh air, open space, different politics, Lollapolooza.

And that didn't work out.

Getting a DUI changed everything.  And for someone like me, who not only fears ties, but feels suffocated and depressed by them, this is scary.  But I had my breakdown on the highway today, after signing a check with my savings account written in the blank, and coming to terms with the fact that I won't be able to operate a vehicle besides a bicycle for a long time.  It's scary.  I cried.  I cried at work too, in a pint of beer.  But I'm moving forward now.  I'm going to have a summer here.

Summer here isn't going to be perfect.  My two best friends are leaving this little paper town.  I'm going to exist for work- my relationships will be strained.  I will want to run with the sun, and won't be able to get too far.  But it will be humbling.  I believe there must be a reason why it's me, here, alone, this summer.  There is something to be learned here.  Something to be had.  Felt.  Here.  Even if it just is a glass bowl over a freebird, I will fly so far and so high when my term is lifted.  If won't be the summer I wanted (not even close), but it will be mine.

I think, when life shits on us, or when we do shitty things to ourselves, it's easy to get caught up in feeling sad and sorry and listless and hopeless... but we have to remember that it goes on.  That time, though valuable, is a continuum, and this will pass.  We all become something new every day.  I will grow, and I will be better.