It had to be at least ten.5 years ago I set this date as the one that would change my life. I marked every calendar. I bought planners just so I could circle this day- as the day that would be the headstone for the rest. My changing of tides. My sail set.
Something about June speaks to me. June, the month of summer. Of sun. Of relentless adventure. Of freedom. I chose this day before all those other days racked up with their demands. I chose this day before I didn't have a choice. Looking at it now breaks my heart. I'm trying to see this as a beginning, but I'm really conscious of what's ending; the ironic part is every beginning is an ending and every ending is a beginning of sorts, but I'm way over technicalities right now. Right now, I am enveloped in a subtle sense of disappointment. This is the first day in years I have gone to bed because nothing else seemed appealing. Luckily, that didn't hold. But it scares me to not be excited when I wake up. To be living with this heaviness I can't seem to let down. I can't tell if this is situational or chronic.
But I watched two really great films tonight and I drank (shared) 3 bottles of wine with Carly and ate (didn't share) an entire pizza, and that was really great. I'm going to miss the hell out of that girl and these simple, effortless moments. I saw "The Blind Side" and "It's Complicated" which were both fantastic. I remember thinking, during both movies, how amazing it is when you give someone a chance and they end up being really, really good. I've been thinking all day about chances. And how you really know when you've given up. And when you've done too much. And when you haven't done enough. I want more. And I can't seem to live with that right now.
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