Limbo O's

I respond well to these moments and I don't know why.

There's some porn up on the background of my desktop.  I'm not really watching it, but it's one of those moments where it's so inappropriate, it's right on.  The bodies are moving in a surprisingly un-porn-like fashion- and this song on in the background makes me think of sunshine and flowers and long skirts riding the wave like sparkling pinwheels.  It's so not innocent, but it is.  It's so not PC, but it's perfect...  like when you're in the middle of a city at 8:05 a.m. with your ipod in your ear-holes, and you're getting turned around because that street became this one, having your sides barrelled into by that one guy walking with such purpose... but you're listening to Beethoven and the gritty city becomes a ballet stage, deceptively delicate.  So, the porn is on.  I'm eating cold spaghetti.  I feel distinctly my age, tonight.  Sea of Bees is booming into the density of my walls and floor, the sound sticking to the sides and pulsating my arm hairs.  "I don't need you.  I don't need you, but I want you.  I don't need you.  I don't need you.  But I want to."

How many people are lonely, tonight? I wonder.

I think I'm waiting to want something badly.  To be desperate.  To be hungry.  To be consumed.  To have nothing and everything make sense at the same time.  To run, on fire, and have every molecule of air feeding my flame, burning in me, sending the smoke higher and higher.  Isn't there an irony to waiting to be inspired.

I want better friends.  But I want to be a better friend.  I want better love.  But I want to be a better lover.  

I'm a shit listener.  And a control freak.  And a lot more gay than I thought.  And a bit more discontent feeling alone than I thought.  And slightly less decisive, and a lot more like the people I say I don't like.

But I quite like myself.  I recognize that I'm not going to get where I want to be here.  And here isn't a physical place or an emotional place or a mental place- it's holistic.  Every part of this is a part of everything else.  I am not happy here, and I'm happy that I can see that I'm not happy.  Because now, I do something about it.

It's crazy to me how we do this to ourselves.  How we put so much energy into keeping things exactly where they are, even if we're not sure that NOW is really a good thing for us- because we don't want to retrogress, and we're too afraid of what comes next.  I think about 99% of my friendships post-high school graduation and how the energy I put into them exists to preserve something that's already run it's course.  Just like the limbo I'm in in my romantic relationship- how we're both miserable, but even more miserable thinking about the risk involved in changing something drastically.  Like the limbo I'm in with my life where I want to swallow it whole when I'm not hungry and I'm starting when my shelves are bare.  Like I make it so.

The thing is, we get what we want to get.  We create these realities.  We create this movement.  We speak through what we do and don't do.